SEEING HER FOR THE FIRST TIME

I recently returned from the UK where I met “S” as herself for the first time. Having spent so much time corresponding with her and knowing her for who she truly is, I felt like I had seen her as a woman many times before. I expected there to be some element of surprise to our first meeting, but there wasn’t. It was just like “S” had always been “S”. That surprised me, probably more than anything else, but it shouldn’t have because “S” was always “S” and we were the ones who didn’t recognise it.

She is such a beautiful and dignified woman and spending time with her was amazing. Connecting as mother and daughter for the first time, face to face, was pure joy for me. I am growing in understanding of just how blessed I am to have a daughter and yet she was always there, hidden in plain sight. How sad that part is for me. So much lost time to catch up on and yet some lost time can never be caught up. Having a little girl, a teenager and much of her adult life is lost forever with “S” lost in the wrong body. I really hope that we have a lot of time to capture some valuable mother, daughter sharing and solidarity that hopefully lies ahead of us. I have always envied my close friends who have this strong mother, daughter bond, not knowing that right under my nose my own daughter waited patiently and sadly to reveal her true identity.

The good part is that she will have the GRS later this year and then “S” can start living her life with no more barriers. I can’t wait for this to be behind her. It has been a long haul for her, but definitely worthwhile. She is a wonderful daughter who I am immensely proud of. I am proud of how she has faced adversity with courage and fortitude and is now so relaxed and free in who she is.

I am also proud of my two sons and their wives who have embraced “S” for who she is and have never looked back. She is their sibling whom they have always known – she is “S” – L.C.

A LETTER TO MY DAUGHTER

Tomorrow “S” faces her first day back at work after transition. She is scared out of her wits, to say the least. I want to save for posterity the letter I have just written her:

Hi there “S”

I am so wonderfully and incredibly proud of my daughter. I am really sad that you are having to go through all you are going through and I wish that you’d just been born female without all these added challenges you have to face before you can become yourself. I
have told you many times that you are a beautiful woman and that your intellect
has actually been a curse. You are so hell bent on perfection that you find it
really difficult to just look like a very attractive woman. I was absolutely
amazed and so was dad that you could get your voice to be so authentic and
attractive. The only thing I picked up on is that you have a posh English lilt
to your voice. I imagine that is because your speech therapist is British, but
it sounds lovely. I so wish I could stop you from being so hard on yourself. It
makes it so difficult being so far away knowing that you are beating yourself
up the way you are.

“S”, I know that this was never an
overnight decision on your part. This is something you considered so carefully
before you embarked on this really difficult journey. You know and I know that
it is not a journey anyone would embark on unless it was intolerable for you to
live any other way. Yes you did live as a boy/man for 35 years, but you lived a
lonely, insular life. I have seen the amazing strides you have taken over the
last two years as you have slowly emerged from your cocoon. You have life in
you now, you can express yourself and you are real and reachable. What amazing
strides that have told a story to me of how you are finally finding yourself.
Don’t lose yourself again and I couldn’t bear to lose this wonderful person who
has emerged through the pages of emails, blogs, telephone calls and so very
little actual time together.

I imagine that self doubt must be part of the process, but give yourself a chance. This is more than just a decision on your part. You expressed to me the fact that it is a life and death decision. Take yourself back to the beginning of your blogs and see the amazing
journey of emergence you have taken. You have found who you authentically are
and no one wants to live without authenticity. Your concern for other family
members is admirable, gentle, kind and sweet, but right now there is only one
person that matters as far as your emergence is concerned and that is “S” and
who she authentically is. I totally believe in you and am immensely proud to
have a daughter as wonderful, kind, considerate and gentle as you are.

I know this is a really hard day for you. Try to keep yourself as busy as possible and take something this evening to help you sleep. Tomorrow will come and go, like all our days do and “S” will become part of time that passes. She will become daily more acceptable to
both you and others and in time most people will forget that “D” was ever part
of “S”. I believe this with all my heart, but you have to give her this chance.
I love you so much and always will, my precious daughter – L

SHE’S ARRIVED

“S” went on leave on 17 June. She has two weeks till she returns to work as  a woman. She has lived part-time for a while now and has officially changed her name, but yesterday was an exciting day because she officially transitioned. She is now a woman both in looks and dress, for all to see. It has been a nerve wracking time for her. She had her hair coloured and cut yesterday and she looks stunning.

I couldn’t wait to get back home yesterday to view her blog and see what her hair looks like. She looks stunning and we, her parents, are so proud of her and so happy to have our daughter in both looks, word and deed. We think she is beautiful and those who know her struggle and have been privy to the changes she has been undergoing are blown away by how lovely she looks. Her dad’s first words as he looked at the photos were: “she’s arrived”. We know that there are further struggles ahead and we by no means want to minimise the emotional rollercoaster ride she has taken. This takes such bravery, courage and character. “S” has all three. We are so blessed to be her parents and family. She has taught us all so much.

Our sadness is that we are so far away. We would love to be over there with her, but our move is getting closer and it won’t be too long now before we join our children over in the UK. There is more exciting news because “S” officially becomes an aunt later this year and we become grandparents. We will all be together for this happy occasion. I can’t wait for that.

“S” still has the hurdle of returning to work as a woman after her leave and I know this is something she is not looking forward to, but I am sure she will build up some confidence whilst on leave, which should make the return to work a little easier, but by no means easy. Once again it takes such bravery.

“S” is our beautiful daughter who is emerging from a lifetime of emotional pain and struggle and we stand in awe of her courage – L

EPIGENETICS IN DETERMINING SEXUAL PREFERENCE

The notes below were taken from a National Geographic television programme called “In the Womb”. I took notes only as it pertained to the subject of the possible genetic causes of sexual preference. I, as a mother of a transexual male to female daughter, found this programme particulary interesting. This research should silence those who believe there is a “cure” for homosexuality or for transexuality. I say “should” silence rather than “will” silence because especially here in South Africa where lesbians are raped by men who believe they will cure these women by raping them, there is no amount of research or education that will ever silence them.

I post this now because I am so proud of my daughter “S” and in the hopes that other parents will find some understanding of their transexual child. The following is directly quoting the programme:

EPIGENETICS

 

Epigenetics is a new biological field.

Identical twins always have the same DNA code but the functioning of this code may be different. The human genome contains +/- 25000 genes. Scientists are studying a new field called Epigenetics, investigating the epigenome where a series of chemicals which act as switches are capable of activating or deactivating individual genes. One of these switches works by a process called DNA methylation. This causes enzymes within a cell to attach a miniscule molecular compound (a methyl group) to a gene. This chemical can at times activate or deactivate a gene, but the gene remains. In other words the genes DNA profile remains unaltered.

Some unidentifiable factor in early cell development causes a methyl group to attach itself to a gene. The gene is still there but it may have been switched off. The activation and deactivation of genes during early development could explain many of the mysteries that affect us all.

Epigenetics may play a significant role in determining sexual preference. As yet sexual preference is associated with a yet unidentified gene. It may be that epigenetic suppression or activation of this gene could dictate sexual preference. In identical twins, one heterosexual, one gay, epigenetics may be the answer. One twin absorbs more testosterone than the other, making him straight while the other is gay.

It is becoming clear that most aspects of our character and characteristics are not just a product of our genes or our environment. Nature and nurture are inextricably bound, with epigenetics being the tangible, biological link between the two. These subtle changes in the genes expression can be passed down through the generations without affecting the underlying DNA. We are not simply a product of our genes.

In the general population there is less than a 5% chance you will be gay. In twins, however, that statistic changes. If you have a fraternal twin who is gay, you will have a 25% chance that you will also be gay. In identical twins you have +/- a 50% chance of also being gay if your twin is gay, proving that there must be some genetic component to our sexuality. It cannot, however, be all down to genetics or else all identical twins would be either straight or gay. Some other factor must be at play.

In the first few weeks of development all foetuses develop along similar lines and if nothing changed all would be born female. At about the 6^th week of development, foetuses with the Y chromosome (male) will form testes and at around the 8^th week will release testosterone. This may affect early brain development. This hormone masculinises the body and the brain including a part called the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is part of the network which defines who we find sexually attractive.  Some scientists believe the more the hypothalamus is exposed to testosterone, the more it sets the stage for sexual inclination towards women. Occasionally a male foetus may not produce sufficient testosterone or its brain not absorb sufficient testosterone to shape it along heterosexual lines.

If this theory is correct then it may explain why a male foetus may absorb sufficient testosterone to masculinise its body, but not enough to fully differentiate its brain, causing him to be gay.

AN INCOMPLETE OCCASION

“S’s” younger brother is getting married next Saturday in South Africa and her older brother and his wife will also be here, but “S” won’t. It is a happy occasion. “S’s” younger brother is marrying a lovely lady who suits him well. She also loves “S” and  they have become the best of friends, but “S” won’t be here and everything seems wrong

I really don’t blame her for not wanting to come. Who wants people to look at you with curiosity and intrigue. “S” has never wanted to be in the lime light and is quite a quiet private person. South Africa is a conservative society where people really don’t bother to learn about gender issues. They make up front judgements and are really, for the most part, quite intolerant. Most have a strict Calvinistic background and there is no place for differences. Things are either black or white, right or wrong. In this society there are no shades of grey. Why would “S” want to subject herself to that sort of scrutiny. I really do understand why she will not be here, but I feel as if a part of me is missing. I see the joy in many of the faces about this exciting occasion and don’t get me wrong, I really do want this to be a very special day for the bride and groom and a very happy occasion for the family and friends who will be joining them on the day. For me it is just so hard to get totally into the spirit when I know “S” has been left alone in London with both her siblings out here. I know she is feeling the distance and I have an underlying sadness that I really am battling to shift. Things are just not right and I feel it acutely.

I know most minds are focussed on the upcoming event and this is allowing very little time for reflection on the person who should be here and isn’t and I suppose that is the way it should be. I am the mother of the groom though and I am really battling to get into the spirit of things.

I suppose that some of that feeling is that I am a very simple person at heart. I don’t really enjoy grand occasions and prefer the back row to the front and even though the bride and groom are the people of the day, we as the parents still have to take a front row seat, but I also know this is just only one side of my feeling a little low as the occasion approaches – the main reason is that for me it is incomplete – L

GENDER INEQUALITY

Most westerners would read that title and quickly think I am writing about women in the Middle East. They couldn’t be further from the truth because gender inequality exists in all cultures across the globe, even in those that think they are doing things differently. As a woman in a westernised culture, I can only speak from my own experience. Certainly things in the west are a whole lot better than they were a generation ago, but early childhood training and western perceptions still elevate men above women, boy children above girl children. Why should I be writing about this subject in my blog. My blog is the journey of a mother of a transgender M-F, adult child. You see, “S” has experienced the workplace as a man. She is now going to experience the workplace as a woman and all I can think about is how much more she is going to resent workplace perceptions of women than what I did, because I had that early conditioning to believe that women automatically have an inferior role in society.

I was born female and when I first went to work, I had been so conditioned to believe that my role was a secondary one that I didn’t question, even once, why my salary was less than what a man would earn. When I married, I didn’t question why I had to give up my surname in favour of my husband’s surname. These were just things women did. However, these ingrained perceptions were not going to persist throughout my life. As I found my own feet and identity in my 30’s and as the feminist movement across the globe began to grow in strength, I also started to question why my role in life should be a secondary one. It was a very comfortable place for men and they were certainly not at the forefront of change, but I began to change substantially. Fortunately for my marriage, my husband was adaptable, even though he was not proactive, he didn’t take fright and run. I am very glad about this as we are really good friends apart from being partners, but I must add that the marriage would not have lasted, had he not been able to adapt.

Nothing in the west has drastically changed societal perceptions. I hold a very senior position in my organisation which I took over from a man and I believe I have done a much better job. The role, however, is a traditionally female one, but I make no excuse for that. I head up a charitable organisation for profoundly disabled children and adults. Caring professions have generally been seen as a woman’s role, but that stereotype has also crippled many men. I love what I am doing and to me that is the only question I need to ask myself. I will never make an excuse for being born a heterosexual woman and I am proud of who I am and what I have achieved. Many a client will look very surprised and ask “are you in charge here?” and only when I say yes do they relax. I suppose they think I am the boss’s secretary. They will ask me questions that they would never ask a man like are you authorised to sign this contract. I always want to say: “if I don’t sign it, you are not going to get it signed”, but I don’t. The saddest part of this is that it is often women who perpetuate the perception that you have to be a man to be in charge. They are often the ones who ask the most probing questions. We are sometimes our own worst enemy.

Now my great fear: How is “S” going to deal with things if and when she is seen as a lesser human being than her male counterpart. “S” is a highly intelligent woman and as a man had achieved great recognition in her career . She is presently biding her time at work, enduring greater discrimination than any woman has ever experienced in the workplace as she is transitioning under scrutiny of her workplace colleagues and I know she cannot wait to fully transition and move on elsewhere where no one knows her story. Where she can just be “S”. I know that is going to be a huge step forward for her i.e. moving to a place where she can be taken a face value and not analysed; where she can just blend and be one of the women. This is the part I worry about. She will have experienced the automatic recognition one gets as a competent man. Her competencies will not have changed, but she will now have to prove her competency rather than it be taken as given. She will have to work harder to prove her ability and she will have to speak up if she wants to be recognised. These are all things she was previously able to take for granted. I think gender discrimination still shocks me from time to time, although I try not to let it make me bitter or sarcastic because a sarcastic retort is always on the tip of my tongue.  Gender equality is entrenched in most westernised law, but the residual discrimination is still very evident. I really hope that “S” understands how difficult this is to deal with and even though she has experienced the other side of the coin that she stands up for herself and does not allow her male counterparts to walk over her or put her down, because unless we women are prepared to stand up for ourselves, we cannot expect that anyone else will. The opposite of “S’s” situation also occurred to me – what a pleasure it must be for a transgender F-M to suddenly be taken as competent without having to first sell his competency to his employer. These men have firstly experienced the female side of the coin. What a pleasure it must be for them to be recognised without having to fight for that right -L

THE RIGHT TO COMMENT

“S” shared with me an email she received in which the writer felt it his duty to comment on “S’s” life choice. She had reconnected with him after a long while. She did not tell him that she had been living in limbo nor that she had planned to  end her life. He had heard through the grapevine that she had made the decision to go through the long and arduous process of becoming “S”, but when she decided to reconnect with him and wish him all the best for the future because he was relocating to another part of the world, he decided that he had to comment on her decision.

I need to add at this point that he is a health care professional and should know that one never comments uninvited and certainly not when there is no case history for him to refer to. His reply to her good wishes was a very angry response where he vented and illustrated his lack of expertise in the area of transgender issues. “S’s” final decision to align her body and her psyche was not an overnight decision. It was a long, hard decision that she made finally after years and years of trying to bite the bullet and live as a man; of trying to live with the hand she had been dealt at her birth. This path had lead her into an extremely lonely existence where she had been unable to ever develop any close relationships and where she feared she would lose all she had if she made the decision to transition. A response like the one she received certainly shows that she had reason to fear people’s responses. The person who commented is a man who had many close relationships in his life and has certainly not lead the lonely existence that “S” has. He knows nothing of the fact that from the youngest age, she used to steal my clothes so she could dress as a girl. This she did even  before she reached puberty, but he doesn’t know that either. He is basing his assumption on what he saw in “S”. A boy and young man who did everything he could to fit into the world he had been born into.

The writer was angry and very uncomplimentary about councillors that are just in the game for monetary gain. He used the harshest vocabulary, choosing to use the word castration rather than gender reassignment or even sex change. I was shocked to the core at his response. Why did he not ask some questions of “S” before venting? Why did he not try to first understand the journey before deciding that she was wrong? Why did he say that many transgender people commit suicide without first thinking about how many trans people commit suicide because of the lack of support and acceptance of who they are or what their lives have been like. He didn’t even wonder why she had taken so long to reconnect with him even though she had once been quite close to him. If he had thought about it he would have realised that she was afraid of the type of response she may receive. She certainly wasn’t wrong in her assumption. “S” is not stupid. She had researched every angle long before she finally made a decision to transition. She had walked a long, agonising path before she finally decided that she could no longer live as a man. She expected total rejection from everyone she loved and yet she knew the choices she had. She had to change or she would end her life. I, as her mother, believe she made the right choice. Those I have consulted who are councillors (certainly not in it for the money) have reassured me that “S” has made the right choice. I am very comfortable knowing that no one would ever just wake up one morning and decide that they would prefer to be the opposite sex. The journey is just far too difficult for that. If I were able to, I would advise this young man to do the research that both “S” and I, her mother, have done over the past two years and then come back with an appropriate response. In his line of work it is very important, because anyone in the same shoes as “S” visiting him for advice would probably end up committing suicide. He is in a profession where he could make this life and death decision for someone who is desperate. I wish I could tell him that, but I can’t. I therefore pray that no one ever visits him with gender issues. He is clearly unable to cope with these issues – L

A HAPPY DAY

It is a week since “S’s” latest surgery and she is feeling happier and pleased with the results of the follow-up FFS (Feminising Facial Surgery). There was a little additional work to be done on her jaw plus the trachea shave. Both went according to plan and “S” has spent the last week recuperating in her apartment.

It was quite a good time to be holed up because “S” was assisting to plan her new sister-in-law’s Kitchen Tea. It is the first time that I know of that “S” was involved with her female family members organising a girls only party. “S’s” other sister-in-law is very creative and she held the party at their apartment. The tea took the form of a Mad Hatter’s tea party and “S” was given the task of making the hat for the bride to be. She told me that she had been very busy, but I was absolutely amazed at the beautiful hat she created. If I was a little better with technology I would paste a picture of the hat, but thus far my efforts have been fruitless.

I was just so happy to see the photographs of the tea party, because I saw “S” quite relaxed as one of the girls at the party. She had helped plan it and she joined in, for the first time that I know of as one of the girls.

It is wonderful for more than one reason. Firstly “S” was, for a while, very self-conscious around her family, believing that they were uncomfortable around her. She seems to have learnt that they are not pretending to love and accept her for who she is, they just do. There are just no pretences and “S” is slowly starting to see that for herself. Secondly she is participating as one of the girls in the family and no longer pretending to be one of the boys. The boys have totally accepted this as well and “S” is learning to be who she was born to be – one of the girls.

She has already been through a long tough journey, but still has some major hurdles ahead. Just being able to spend a happy day with friends and family at a girls only tea party was wonderful for her and I see it as a big step forward for “S”. The best part is that she really seemed to enjoy the day as one of the girls. “S” was tired and had a headache at the end of the day, having had surgery just six days prior to the party, but she went home having spent a rare happy day as one of the girls. That for me was so significant. “S” had a happy day and because of that, I too had a happy day even though I would have loved to be closer and been able to join them all – L

HANDS BEHIND MY BACK

“S” is having follow-up facial surgery and a trachea shave today and I am sitting in front of my computer thousands of miles away when all I really want is to be there with her. She has nine days leave to recover from the surgery, which she will spend locked up in her tiny little apartment with no one to communicate with. This is probably the most painful part of this process for me. I am so far away and of no practical use to her at all. I feel like my hands are tightly bound behind my back. I can offer nothing but my long distance support and let her know that she is in the forefront of my mind today. I am sure it is little comfort to her and it is definitely no comfort to me.  

I am so far away, taking care of others and offering support and comfort to other people and I feel like I am being pulled in so many different directions when there is really only one direction I want to be pulled in and that is to be with “S”.

My work entails making sure that the profoundly mentally handicapped are properly looked after, offered every comfort and meeting their every need and the needs of parents of these adorable children and adults. Where does this leave me and “S” though? No one knows that “S” is having surgery today. No one knows that my heart is there and not here. No one knows that I feel like I am being torn in two by the weight of my longing to be there and not here. No one cares because no one knows.

I am just so grateful to her brothers who I know are there for her, but they both have their own family prioities.

We will eventually go to be with “S” but it feels like it is now that she needs us and we cannot be there. This morning I fetched my 80-year-old mother from the hospital where she has been for a few days. I took her shopping before settling her in to her flat which is on our property. There are other family members who are here for her and I feel that I am doing for her what I should be doing for “S” and can’t. My mother should get a place at a lovely retirement centre later this year which we will have to subsidise for her, then we can finally make plans to move closer to “S”. Hopefully that will mean that I will no longer feel bound and gagged. That I will be able to be there for her. That I will be able t assist her through the many surgical procedures she still needs to endure. What I am really praying for is that we will be settled much, much closer to her before she has to undergo GRS. I know this is the biggest operation of all. Whatever happens though I am going to make sure I am with her for that even if we haven’t yet moved – L

CHANGING

For 25 years we had three sons. Nothing unusual about that. We suspected that one of our sons was gay, but still we had three sons and whoever asked us about our children that is what we told them. Then the email came that was to change everything, not that we realised it at the time. April 2009 was going to change everything we thought we knew about our children and as time went by we realised that we actually have two sons and a daughter. Our daughter being “S”.

Initially it was a slow awakening to the fact that we no longer have three sons. We were very clearly told by a parent who had walked the path alongside his trans child that this is “S’s” story to tell, not ours. We have taken that advice to heart and other than family and our own close support group, we have not freely told “S’s” story. This puts us in a very strange position. Those who have known us for many years know that we “have three sons”, but what about those who don’t know?

We have lived in the same city for most of our lives and have a wide circle of acquaintances and some very close friends. The close friends are not the problem because they along with family know “S’s” story. The acquaintances are a little different as they don’t know the story and as I’ve said we have taken seriously that it is not our story to tell. Over and above that there are many people I certainly do not want to tell for the simple reason that they have zero understanding. They would take the story at gossip value and we all know what happens with gossip – the story grows with each telling and would make a sordid story out of a very painful journey that “S” has struggled through for her entire life. That is the last thing we would want to happen to her. She has suffered more than enough.

However we know that this year – 2011 – is the year when our middle “son” officially becomes our daughter. There are also new acquaintances that we meet all the time. Some of them ask about our family and now what do we tell them? I was at the hairdresser on Friday and I was asked about my children. For the first time I answered that I have two sons and a daughter. This morning “S’s” dad also told someone at the new bowls club he has joined that he has two sons and a daughter. This is where the difficulty comes about. How are we going to remember those who we have told we have a daughter opposed to those who have known us for longer and “know” that we have three “sons”. What about those new acquaintances asking about our daughter in front of someone who knows only about our sons. It somehow feels like we are entering a mine field. It is all a little daunting and makes the idea of leaving our home shores and joining our three children in the UK so much more appealing. There we can start anew with a clean slate and people who know nothing of our history. They will accept at face value that we have three children, two sons and a daughter.

Talking of face value, “S”s looking gorgeous and so feminine and anyone who doesn’t know her history would never know she is trans. It looks like we probably have another year before we can join our children, but we are actually starting to look forward to not having to worry about who knows and who doesn’t and living what often feels like a lie.

Then I put myself in “S’s” place and think about what she is going through. Transitioning in the glare of a naked light bulb. Right in front of her work colleagues who have shown acceptance of her but only at a distance. She has her brothers and their wives close by, but few other friends and she needs friends to give her support as well. This again puts our dilemma into perspective. It is the tip of the iceberg. “S’s” part is the whole iceberg – L